QUESTION
There are situations and people that set me off. What can I learn about that?
ANSWER
Anger is one letter short of danger. When we are angry we are reacting from our unconscious. We are not completely in control and unlikely to make the best choices.
The next time you are faced with a challenging person and tempted to lose your temper or give in to the temptation to react, take a moment to think about what you are doing.
Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
–Seneca, Roman Stoic philosopher, statesman
It is a hard task to maintain emotional equilibrium when we have had our feelings hurt, careers sabotaged, plans disrupted, and our lives impacted by challenge and change. Sometimes an injustice has been committed and our anger is warranted. Deep wounds can leave a lasting memory that we carry around with us. And, when we can identify a person who hurt us, we have a focal point for our angst. Unless we can find the inner strength to forgive that person, we're likely to internalize our anger for years, even decades. Sometimes our pain can last a lifetime.
Anger turned inward results in depression, which impacts the health of our spirit and our bodies as well as our overall performance. Those are important enough reasons to learn how to create enough space for a considered response over giving in to immediate reactivity. Otherwise, we risk getting sucked up in a vortex of anger and turmoil.
To maintain openness is to maintain a certain sense of neutrality, where you can see both sides of a conflict, including your own, it’s important to learn to see the situation from multiple angles. Don't let the "you or me" "us v them" tribalism swallow your civility. Don't succumb to the myth that being angry or indignant about an issue you care about is a sign of sophistication or complexity.
Awareness and perspective are key to attaining emotional equilibrium and it is our neutrality at times when everything around us is electric that gives us credibility.
Initial awareness is gained through reflection after an incident occurs. If we understand what the gap in our behavior is and know what it should be, we have a shot at catching ourselves in the act the next time. If we successfully catch ourselves in the moment, we get just enough time to make a different choice. When we catch ourselves enough times, we can spot a trigger coming rather than having it blindside us into rash reactivity. Seeing a trigger coming gives us even more time to choose a different reaction.
MORE THOUGHTS…
I realized that if my thoughts immediately affect my body, I should be careful about what I think. Now if I get angry, I ask myself why I feel that way. If I can find the source of my anger, I can turn that negative energy into something positive. — Yoko Ono, Japanese-American multimedia artist, singer, songwriter and peace activist
Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. — Aristotle, Greek philosopher
A man in a passion, rides a mad horse. — Ben Franklin, American polymath and one of the Founding Fathers of the United States
Anger is one letter short of danger. — Eleanor Roosevelt, American political figure, diplomat and activist, former First Lady of the United States
REMEMBER
When furious, get curious. If you think you are about to lose your patience because you are some shade of angry (frustrated, irritated or annoyed)—take a beat, slow down and turn the attention onto yourself.
PRACTICE
Think about your own reactions to the situation and the decisions you are about to make. It’s better to pause and reflect to determine a more thoughtful cause of action.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about the consequences of taking action when you are irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or angry. How do they impact others? How do they impact your own emotional health?
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about the inevitable problems that result from anger that's either expressed in inappropriate ways or held inside.
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.